Letter to RCA

This is a joke letter sent to RCA about Clay Aiken. It was written by seeya from the TTC board.

(For those of you who have little knowledge about the music business, RCA is the recording company who Clay is signed to.)

Dearest RCA:

Hey there, it’s the Clay fans again just dropping in to say hello. You know, we’re the ones who have flooded your e-mail accounts, phoned in death threats, plotted to kidnap your executives, and single-handedly made Clay Aiken the break-out star he is today. Rest assured that we will not stop until Clay Aiken is known as the Greatest Singing Sensation of all time (possibly transcending all time, but we haven’t decide on that yet; let’s not get too ahead of ourselves).

Now then, this is in regards to the five clips you have generously allowed us to hear over the past few days. You must know that we were all waiting in eager anticipation, curious at the direction you would take our blessed precious. For the most part we are very thrilled, enjoyed, enraptured, entranced, etc. by what we’ve heard, of course… but as you know, Clay’s fan base is very diverse and opinionated so we just thought we’d add our quick 2 cents in.

First off is the question as to who to model Clay after. I’m sure you’ve heard that many of us believe there is a vocal and physical similarity to Rick Astley. Most of us couldn’t be more thrilled with that. However, there are several directions other you could take him in. I think we all would like to see Clay in the same vein as Elvis and the Beatles… mixed with Josh Groban. And Billy Idol. Did we mention Billy Idol? For those that don’t like this combination, could you throw a little bit of Elton John in there, flavored with… oh, say…Nick Carter. You know, the guy from the Backstreet Boys. Just for a little boy band kick. Not too much though. Let’s not get carried away. Oh and we want him to be like Bambi as well. You know, the deer? Him.

So to sum it up we want a pelvis swiveling, lip curling opera singer with a rock and roll edge that plays the piano while dancing, all the while communicating that wide-eyed virginal innocence we all adore. Don’t you love it? I know we do.

Now, as for the types of songs we want Clay to sing: Most of us would like to see more soaring ballads like This Is the Night; you know stuff that’s really cheesy and passionate. Seriously, we all love This Is the Night… except of course for those of us that don’t. So don’t put songs like This is the Night on there... more than once. Anyway, what we would really like to see are more songs like the ones featured on his brilliant demo albums. Especially the gospel ones, since everyone loves gospel Clay… mostly. Also, we need songs that are going to be radio friendly, to ensure Clay’s future success as an artist. Something upbeat and catchy, with a memorable hook, yet with haunting and meaningful lyrics… about rainbows and bunnies preferably. Make sure it’s edgy, like a U2 song, but fluffy like a Celine Dion ballad. But subtle, you know? We also want songs that are a throw back to the early Motown days, while resurrecting he feel of 80’s pop and revolutionizing the music industry today. Kind of like a grass roots movement. We want songs for Clay that break, no SHATTER the mold… while blending in. After all, we don’t want Clay’s songs to stick out like a sore thumb on those radio countdowns. That would just be silly.
Should be easy. Got your writers going on that one? Good.

Now, as you may be well aware of, Clay has quite a beautiful voice, and we all have some pretty specific ideas on how to maximize the usage of said VOX. First of all, we don’t like overproduction. In fact, we are big fans of underproduction. Even more, we are fans of no production at all. We don’t want any choirs, back-up vocalists, drums, pianos, guitars, and you know, instruments interfering with Clay’s glorious voice. Plus, we don’t like recording studios. So, if you could just put Clay on a stage and have him sing his songs beginning to end, no cutting, pasting, tampering and editing, that would be great. “Just press record” is the motto to be had here. I’m sure you’ll have to go and lay off quite a few production people who have now been rendered obsolete. Just remind them that it’s all for the sake of the Great Clay Aiken’s career and I’m sure they’ll be fine with it.

Okay, on to the issue of Clay’s range. We would like it showcased in its entirety. obviously. We would like to hear him sing songs in his deep voiced lower register then have him jump a few octaves to his crystal clear falsetto then bring it back down to his mid-register for a few minutes to cool off. Then we would like to hear him span five octaves in a period of ten seconds (you know, just to show off) all while over- enunciating, rolling his R’s and grunting. Also, we think it would be in everyone’s best interest if he started and ended with a ten second glory note (not 14 though, that would just be too much). Preferably B flat, chest voice. Did we mention that we want all of this on one song? Oh it’s doable. Trust us.

Anyway, I hope you’ve taken our suggestions into account. It’s all very simple really (and sooo not confusing) and if you could just get going on the promotions and such right away, I’m sure you’ll find…

Oh never mind. We’ll do it ourselves. Expect us in the morning at RCA studios. Make sure Clay is there. We are going to be veeeerrrry busy indeed.

With love,
Clay’s fans